Vitals Stable, Nurse Not: ICU Diaries Vol II
Millennial nurse diaries from the blurry edge of professionalism, burnout, and full moon charting chaos.
📎 Before You Proceed, Read This:
Disclaimer: These entries are fictionalized, satirical reflections inspired by real-life nursing experiences. All identifying details have been changed or merged beyond recognition in full compliance with Swiss law and nursing ethics. This is not clinical documentation. This is storytelling, survival, and spiritual processing in written form.
ICU Diaries, Volume II — "The Oxygen, the Schnitzel, and the Sepsis Denial"
Unit: Intensive Care Unit (ICU) — east wing of emotional collapse
Date/Time: from “I got this” to “maybe I’ll just lie under the crash cart”
Filed by: CRN Solena, vascular priestess and unpaid sepsis psychic
Incident Report No. 1: “The BiPAP Breakdown™”
Unit: ICU – Respiratory Zone, a.k.a. The Huff & Puff Wing
Patient: late 80s, unnamed and protected by the goddess of Datenschutz
Diagnosis: known COPD, pneumonia on top + a vendetta against respiratory support
Treatment Plan: BiPAP to save their lungs.
Patient’s Plan: Absolutely f*cking not.
Description of the Incident:
At approximately 09:15, patient was admitted with respiratory distress and a look in their eyes that said “try me.” BiPAP was ordered. BiPAP was refused. Not verbally — physically. They became distressed, attempting to remove the mask repeatedly and ultimately launching the nasal cannula across the room in an act of protest not seen since the French Revolution.
Initial Problem:
Patient tolerates oxygen like a cat tolerates baths. BiPAP mask goes on → instant full-body existential panic. Mask launched. Cannula airborne. My hopes? Shattered.
"If you put that thing on me again I’ll report you to the police."
(Inhaled that threat deeper than their last bronchodilator.)
Tactical Actions Attempted by CRN Solena:
Calm voice + hand-holding + dramatic hand gestures = ✖️
Explaining BiPAP benefits in three languages = ✖️
Switching to high-flow nasal cannula and sedating lightly = ✔️
Internally questioning every career decision I’ve ever made = ✨✔️✨
Held space emotionally while they called me "the mask witch" ✨✔️✨
Root Cause Analysis:
BiPAP mask shaped like betrayal?
PTSD from previous hospital stay or reincarnation as a lung
Possibly allergic to air delivered under pressure?
Just didn’t like my face that day
BiPAP is simply cursed for some souls
Outcome:
Patient oxygenating on HFNC, no longer threatening violence with tubing.
Me: Backed into corner whispering affirmations into my stethoscope.
Recommendations for Future Prevention:
Trauma-informed BiPAP masks (fuzzy maybe?)
Assign nurse bodyguards for respiratory therapists
Emergency exorcism for noncompliant airways
Incident Report No. 2: “The Schnitzel Conundrum”
Unit: ICU – Cardiac Bay (aka The Left Ventricular Waiting Room)
Patient: early 70s, post-myocardial infarction, was stabilized on vasopressors and recovering from coronary intervention, currently running on adrenaline and sheer will, ECG still unstable.
Wife: Already planning their first meal post-extubation.
Description of the Incident:
Patient arrives in ICU, pale and perfused thanks to pressors. Wife arrives with an attitude and a schnitzel plan.
Initial Problem:
Wife demands schnitzel. Patient: on vasopressors.
Solena: trying to explain GI perfusion while watching Troponin levels flirt with disaster.
Every 20 minutes:
“Can he eat schnitzel yet?”
No ma’am.
He’s literally still on vasopressors and TEE just revealed half his heart is plotting treason.“But he loves schnitzel! He needs strength!”
Tactical Actions Attempted by CRN Solena:
Translated “NPO” into three languages and metaphors
Hand-drawn heart with arrows explaining digestion (it was ✨beautiful✨)
Escalated to MD to provide “authoritative no”
Provided cardiac rehab brochure (ignored)
Redirected wife with chamomile tea and vague hope
Began drafting ICU cookbook: “Meals You Can’t Have Yet”
Root Cause Analysis:
Wife believes schnitzel has sacred healing properties.
Medical denial wrapped in breadcrumbs
No one explained what “nothing per os” means.
Wife believed if she fed them quickly enough they’d be discharged by lunch
Outcome:
Patient remained stable, no unauthorized schnitzel consumed. Wife mildly disappointed but appeared to accept "soup phase" as a temporary state. Solena considered running away but stayed because cardiac pressors are needy.
Recommendations for Future Prevention:
Add "No schnitzel" signs near NPO beds
Family education sessions titled “Your Loved One Is Not Hungry, They’re Dying”
Emergency social worker trained in culinary de-escalation
Develop ICU-compatible schnitzel alternative made of hope and electrolytes
Incident Report No. 3: “The Sepsis Denial Olympics”
Unit: ICU – Septic Bay, corner of Delirium & Desperation
Patients: Two (Too Many™)
Diagnoses:
Pt 3A: Soft tissue infection, hypotension, CRP 405 (aka: do something), vibes of doom
Pt 3B: Patient: also falling apart, but this one skipped the warm-up act. Septic shock, lactate 9.3, entire room smells like clinical despair
Case A: “But It’s Warm Outside”
Description of the Incident:
Patient presented with blood pressure: 80s/40s and falling like my will to live, MAP in the you-wish, and vibes of systemic failure.
CRP: 405. FOUR. HUNDRED. AND. FIVE.
Lactate: “Only” 1.7 — but their body is whispering it’s coming.
Me: “She needs vasopressors.”
Them: “Let’s do another blood draw.”
Me again: “Vasopressors?”
Them: “Maybe another bolus, it’s warm today.”
Me: Office stare activated.
At 15:30, after hours of physiological gaslighting, I finally see:
💉 Ephedrine 50 mg in 1L Ringer.
🎉 A perfuser with Noradrenaline.
It was like watching someone finally plug in life support after charging their phone first.
Tactical Actions Attempted by Solena:
Begged for pressors
Performed psychic MAP readings
Documented every bolus while my soul dehydrated
At 15:30: FINALLY Ephedrine in 1L Ringer + Noradrenaline hung like a medieval relic
Drew blood cultures, labs, swabs, and vibes
Emotionally supported Patient B’s monitor as it flatlined emotionally (not clinically)
Root Cause Analysis:
Denial is apparently a treatment plan.
Sepsis doesn’t count if you squint hard enough.
Lactate 1.7 used as an excuse to wait for doom
Institutional allergy to early vasopressor support
Outcome:
BP finally responds. MAP climbs above 60. Patient lives. Solena ascends into bitter enlightenment.
Trust issues: permanent.
Case B: Septic Shock: The Director’s Cut
Description of the Incident:
Patient arrives with no known focus, but smells like a metaphysical infection.
BP low. Skin clammy. Lactate 9.3. You could feel the bacteria whispering in the air.
They arrive practically glowing with metabolic doom.
Organs already writing their resignation letters.
Room feels haunted.
Everything smells like fever dreams and faint regret.
I push fluids, manage pressors, and internally scream while externally looking calm enough to win an Oscar.
Tactical Actions Attempted by Solena:
Boluses, pressors, all the sacraments
Drew labs with the urgency of a haunted nun
Kept my hand on the perfusor and my soul in limbo
Root Cause Analysis:
Septic origin: somewhere between “the gut” and “the void.”
Vital signs: possessed
Probably cursed by the ghost of an old surgical glove
Planetary alignment: unfriendly.
Outcome:
Patient technically alive. Still with us. Barely.
Me? Dissociating at the bedside while pretending I’m not googling sepsis poetry.
Recommendations for Future Prevention:
Install “Pressors NOW” button next to call bell
Mandatory “CRP Over 300? = Don’t Argue” protocol
Reward staff who recognize sepsis within the first 4 signs instead of the 14th
Free trauma therapy for nurses who’ve ever been told “she’s just a bit dry”
Final Shift Summary:
Today’s highlights:
One airborne cannula
One spiritual schnitzel standoff
Two full-body sepsis denials
One nurse named Solena, still upright, held together by sarcasm and caffeine
It’s only week two of ICU Diaries and already I feel like I need a therapist, a priest, and maybe a pastry.
Until next shift:
Stay pressurized, stay sarcastic, and never trust a CRP under 100 with that look in its eyes.
Filed by:
CRN Solena
Charting in grief, stabilizing in chaos, and 72% sure I am now legally married to Noradrenaline.
🛡️ Disclaimer: Read This Before You Report Me
(a legally sound love letter to ethics, humor, and patient privacy)
The content of this newsletter is a fictionalized, satirical representation of nursing life, based on real emotional, spiritual, and clinical experiences from the trenches of healthcare.
All patients, colleagues, and scenarios are heavily anonymized, altered, merged, or completely fabricated for narrative and protective purposes. Any resemblance to real individuals is purely coincidental or unintentional.
No identifying details—such as names, initials, room numbers, hospital locations, birthdates, or medical case combinations—have been included that would allow identification under Swiss Federal Data Protection Act (DSG) or professional nursing ethics outlined by the SBK-ASI.
These entries are not clinical documentation. They are diary-style reflections meant to process trauma, celebrate absurdity, and survive this beautiful, broken system with just enough sarcasm and stardust.
I am a licensed nurse. I also have a soul.
This space protects both.
Please do not interpret anything here as medical advice, gossip, or policy guidance. It is for storytelling, solidarity, and surviving another shift with our humanity intact.
Cunning, Hilarious, I didn’t understand 90% of the nurse lingo but LOVED
My mom was an ET nurse for 35 years 12 hour shifts messed her back up. Now she is retired at home with her grand babies.